Fucked up friend.

2:33 AM

It's 5 in the morning now and I am still not asleep.

Somehow there's a lot of things in my mind. About everything. About life, love, friends, trust and myself.

As a matter of fact, I somehow think I failed to become the person I wanted to be. I am weak, and due to that flaw that I think I've mastered in, people tend to step all over my head. And due to that flaw, people overlooked that fact that I am after all just a human being. Put aside the fact that I am your "friend", all I needed was for you to understand that I am just a human being like you, like them, just like any other people. I am capable of being sad or disappointed or even frustrated. Heck, I am even capable of feeling all of that three at once.

I might not look or act like what I really feel inside. I might not voice out my opinions at times. I might act dumb like most of the time cos I like bottling my feelings up. But does that, does that gave you the fucking opportunity to lie to me right on my face over and over again? As a friend? Seriously? Do you even think a friend would do that? Do you even consider yourself as a friend in the first place?

Do you think it is even wise of you to lie to me? Call yourself a "brother". Do you think just because I act like as if I don't know anything proves that I am really dumb? Do you really think I was seriously born just yesterday? Do you seriously think I do not know the truth all along?

Dearest "friend", do you know how filthy it was to actually look at you right in the eye, and then having to hear all sorts of lies from you right on my face? Do you know how filthy it was to hear all those lies, when all along, all fucking along, I knew the truth? And I knew that you were lying?

Haven't you wonder why I never fail to act like i believe your lies? Do you even think I am stupid enough EVERY SINGLE TIME whenever you lie to me ? Truth to be told, I just wanted to see how far you would go, and how much you would betray your own "friend" just for your own fucking benefit.

JUST FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING BENEFIT, damn it. Think about it, dude.

No matter how many times you lied to me, I kept it all in and bottle it up. I fucking bottled my feelings up, why ? Because I didn't want to make a fuss out of it and I THOUGHT you would change. To make things worst, you KNEW about the load of stress I had to handle due to a whole lot of problems but you chose to add on to my burden . So I was back to being nice to you, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. But no dude, you proved me wrong, you didn't change.

For 1 year plus, for 1 fucking year plus I have been entertaining your fucked up nonsense. Not once, not twice. But for 1 year plus.

I am always there when you needed me. In the middle of the night? 2am ? 3am? Just tell me when, and I would be there for you. But look, what the fuck have you done? No offence but you are just using the people around you for your own fucking benefit. Were you there when I needed you? Yes, you were, I won't deny. But what's the fucking point of being there for me when all along you were being a fucked up HYPOCRITE? Furthermore, the most that you would do for me when I'm crying or sad is to say "I CAN'T HELP YOU ANYMORE" or "THERES NOTHING ELSE THAT I CAN SAY" . Heck, you didn't even bother asking if I was alright the other day when you knew I was sad. Do you know what you did? You left without saying a word. You didn't even bother. Imagine if I were to do that to you. Wait, no, don't imagine. Cause I would NEVER do that to you because my dear "friend" , that is totally inhumane.

Wow.

Don't tell me stuffs like you lied because you wanted to "take care of my feelings" because seriously, along the way, you actually forget that I do have feelings. Because if you wanted to "take care of my feelings", you wouldn't have done what you did in the first place. To make things worst, you KNEW what you did was WRONG but then you still insist of doing it and hurt me and yet again , lie to me .

You even had the cheek to lie to me when I was crying infront of you begging for the truth? Seriously I had swallowed enough of your shits. You should be thankful that I am not that kind of girl who would do revenges because I don't find the need to spare another fucking second for you.

For what its worth, my only true friends are Iqah, Lubna, Aisyah and Aida.

I do hope you actually read this entry and realize what kind of a person you have become. I won't bother trying to think about your feelings or care about how you would feel after you read this, because you have betrayed me enough that you deserve no respect from me.

Crosses and circles,

farah

Fucked up friend.

2:33 AM

2:33 AM